Why am I here?
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” (1 Kings 19:11-16)
Today’s scripture from the first book of Kings is a heartstring foundational scripture for me. God is in the whisper. Today I reflect on this passage in the outdoor glory of Kingston, day 14 of my sojourn. Today my heart is drawn to God’s question, “What are you doing here?” What a profound question He asks! God is asking so much in this simple question. God is asking Elijah what situations, decisions, and emotions have brought him to this place and time. God is also asking what Elijah is seeking in this place and time. Today as I reflect on these Words I see that Elijah is himself on a sojourn seeking solace. Doing the will of God has not played out to Elijah’s expectations and so he is in a cave running from his circumstances. He has, in a sense, jumped from the frying pan and into the fire as so beautifully portrayed in the wind, and the earthquake, and the fire. We run in so many different ways in our lives and in our relationships don’t we? In my own life God has come to me time and again in my caves of solitude asking me in sense the same question, “Why are you here?” The heart of my answer is usually that I am where I am because I am unhappy with the circumstances of my life. As I draw deeper from the well of discipleship, this translates to: I am unhappy with what You God are doing in my life right now. Isolating myself from God only adds to the chaos in the wind of fear, the earthquakes of anxiety, and the fire of anger. The way out is to quiet the noise of chaos and retune our ears to His quiet whisper, “Why are you here?” I cannot run or hide from our mighty God, His very Spirit resides within me. This morning, in the sunshine, on the patio, free from chaos, I allow God to ask me His question, “Why are you here?” My answer comes on the words of a great saint,
“My soul is restless until it rests in you.” ~St. Augustine
On any given day, in any given hour this line speaks truth to my current reality. I am where I am in the choices and actions I have made and taken, because, at the center of my being, I desire Him. I am here at Kingston because my soul is restless and seeks The One who can bring it rest. Today I see the deeper truth. On this side of heaven, I will never achieve the lasting rest I seek, for while He resides in me, I do not yet reside in Him. This brings me an odd peace. I can let go of the unrealistic expectation that if I just work harder at this life of holiness, I will accomplish what I desire. We cannot hide from God. We cannot outrun this restlessness. We can only submit, listen, pray, and take the next step forward which leads us finally to our eternal restfulness in Him. As I pondered all these things in my heart and looked out toward the woods a fawn darted out of the woods towards me frolicking at the edge of the long grass before darting back the way it came, most likely called back by its mother. Words of wisdom settled on my heart, [He resides in us that we may one day reside in Him."] Amen.
