Chapter and Verse
Sitting in Mass earlier this week these words came to me, [Chapter and Verse]. I reflected on how each gospel is made up of chapters and within each chapter verses and that at the end are ‘final verses.’ In my life right now there are a lot of chapters that seem to be closing simultaneously: the nesting period of motherhood and the dynamics of family, Jeff as the worker bee outside the home, my parents time with me on this earth, even some of the ministries that I have been a regular fixture in. We get to choose the language of our final verses. How do we end the chapters of our life? This week James is home before heading off to Canada fishing and then he is back to Madison until his job starts in Milwaukee. It may be the last time that we have him home for an extended visit. While James forgot Mother’s Day this year, he committed this week to the two of us spending time together and doing whatever I would like. This week we spent time revisiting earlier chapters of our story together: the zoo, the botanical gardens, the farmer’s market, Bay Beach (today), along with some of our favorite restaurants. I feel we are ending these verses sailing off into the sunset so to speak. As James and I travel in these final verses, I am also closing a chapter of another year of service at our parish. I am taking the month of June off and living at the cottage, a retreat of sorts. I have been tying up loose ends at church and even stepping down from roles that simply didn’t fit well. This past week I ran into two women who are starting new chapters of their own and they are filled with plans for their future that excite them. These conversations have allowed fear to creep into some of my final verses: What if I don’t have anything to do? What if I am no longer called upon to serve? What if these past several years were the peak and it’s all downhill from here? I entered prayer this morning with all this weighing on my mind and heart combined with a low level of anxiety that I haven’t updated this website all week and that I was feeling very empty handed. As I sat with God in an awkward silence I thought, “I lack a driving force right now.” The truth of this resonated and I know the source of that driving force in my life is the Holy Spirit. “Are you upset with me Holy Spirit?” Even after all these years these fears can still rise to the surface. Compound this with today’s Gospel…
12 The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. 13 Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. 14 Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard him say it…20 In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. 21 Peter remembered and said to Jesus, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree you cursed has withered!” (Matthew 11)
My fears would not seem to be without precedent. Fears often stem from lies that we believe. In this case, my believing that taking some time off will result in being cut off. I quickly rebuked that lie and asked Jesus to show me the truth that He wanted me to see. An image of a beautiful flowering vine in resplendent glory came into my mind. It became that of a rose. In our garden we have many roses that are everblooming. As I prayed into this image I was reminded that while the roses will bloom throughout the summer, they are not continuously in “full bloom.” Instead they have bursts of blooms followed by periods of a few scattered blooms. During these periods of low bloom, they are restoring their energy. I am not to fear the curse of the Fig Tree. God has set this retreat time as a period of restoration. For the first time in years my calendar is relatively empty. Tomorrow I begin a new chapter. I do not know what that chapter will hold, but I know Who holds that chapter. My final verses of today’s chapter will be the joy the Lord has provided for me in the quiet morning reflection of His Word. A beautiful affirmation of that joy met me as I carried my laptop out to the garden to write this: a monarch butterfly taking full advantage of my thyme in bloom. Don’t let the chapters of life close on the verse of a lie. God longs to fill all of our chapters with verses of truth that set our sails into the next chapter with our Beloved.
