Shepherd me O God…

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Jeff and I have been to four funerals in the past two months. I think in the previous ten years we had been to four funerals. I keep getting “reassured” that this is the season of life we are now entering, sigh. This past Sunday’s readings and today’s include Psalm 23. Halfway through Lent it is meant to be a beacon of light to the weary Lenten traveler. It became a beacon of light to this weary traveler but not because I am weary from Lent but because I am preparing to say to goodbye. Two weeks ago, driving home from Kingston, I was filled with a conviction from the Holy Spirit that my time with our 13 year old cockapoo was short. Several days later I noticed the bulge in her abdomen. Last week Monday, I took her to see the vet. I brought her home with the knowledge that while we can continue to juggle treatments to extend her time with us that the more merciful thing to do would be to let her go.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want

I left the vet with a tentative date of Monday, March 20 and some medication that may perhaps “perk her up.” Perk her up it did and allowed a lot of second guessing and doubt to enter my mind and heart. In a phone call to Emma I cried that I was really struggling to put Anna down. I told her that if I knew that somehow I would see Anna again it would be easier. No surprise for those who know me, research ensued. Human “life after death” experiences have indeed included beloved passed on pets. I was comforted with this “knowledge” but our Lord did one better. Later in the day, waking from a nap, I was in that in between state (awake but not fully awake) and suddenly I became aware of Kit, our deceased cockapoo, sitting right in front of me. She was just looking up at me and she looked really happy. As I realized what I was seeing, I snapped out of that “in between” and became fully awake fast. In my heart I knew that God was providing me with what I needed in that moment, I shall not want.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want…He guides me in right paths…

Dr. Jaked was set to call on Wednesday to follow up and see how she was. My prayer to my Heavenly Father was for Dr. Jake to provide me the wisdom to make the right choice. Dr. Jake having reviewed all her tests and x-rays gave me both objective knowledge and personal wisdom to let me know that this was the best choice. He told me this news with exactly the right words that spoke to all my second doubting and guilt. James, our son, who is currently studying abroad in Ireland and unable to come home, gave me the next piece of wisdom, “please don’t take her in to the vets office, see if you can have it done at home.” Dr. Jake would be able to accommodate that wish since we had time to plan, the date was moved to Tuesday to allow for this.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want… Only goodness and kindness follow me…

The gospel this past Sunday was Jesus giving sight to the blind man using the ordinary (spit and dirt). Jesus used the ordinary this past week to give me sight of His presence and to provide me with the extraordinary, peace in the midst of sorrow. One of Anna’s health issues is a severely arthritic spine. In the past year this has resulted in Anna withdrawing: she no longer sleeps under the covers, she no longer likes to be held, and if you try to pet her, she gets up and walks away. This past week Anna has asked to be held, she has returned under the covers, and she has taken her place next to me on the couch again, she has allowed me to stop and pet her, and has come asking for pets. For the doubters out there, her new medication was antibiotics not additional pain medication. God was allowing us to give Anna a proper goodbye and Anna to fully receive it.

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord for years to come

In the midst of sorrow and indecision, in the midst of the fog that arose in my daily habits as a result of all this, one thing held true for me. My Lenten promise from last year which became a regular practice, daily Mass. I have returned to the house of the Lord time and again this week. Within minutes of handing my time over to Him, He has handed me peace. The Lord has indeed shepherded me this past week. I have felt Him beside me, with His rod and staff guiding, and I have felt Him lift me up and carry me. Death is an unavoidable reality. Jesus as Savior allows us to see beyond the realm of loss and into the ordinary moments where we can recognize the extraordinary care, love, and compassion of a Good Shepherd.