Rest now in Me
Queen Esther, “God of Abraham, God of Isaac, and God of Jacob, blessed are you. Help me, who am alone and have no help but you…Now help me, who am alone and have no one but you, O Lord, my God…Save us from the hand of our enemies; turn our mourning into gladness and our sorrows into wholeness.” (Esther C 14-25)
Jesus said to His disciples, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
Jeff and I just finished up our three day diocesan retreat. We were challenged in the retreat to spend time creating a timeline of our growth with the Lord: key points of faith conversion in our lives. We were then tasked with finding someone with whom we could share a five minute witness of what the Lord has done in our lives. When you begin to map out your relationship with the Lord, and significant moments of that relationship, a sort of family album of [snapshots with the Lord] emerge. The Lord quickly placed upon my heart the one He wanted me to share. I am going to share it with all of you as well.
Jeff and I were asked to take over a ministry within our diocese. This was a “big ask” moment. As I have shared, I have identity issues as “beloved servant” and wrap myself in a mantle of “doing” for the Lord to feel worthy of His love. This opportunity was met with pride. I had pride in the ask, like, “I must be doing something right.” I also carry a “Pride of Yes”. I carry an identity that my strength is my willingness to say “yes”. Needless to say, we were discerning toward yes, until we weren’t. After many many long conversations, we saw that at this point in time in our lives this opportunity had to be a “No.” While I knew that it was the right decision I couldn’t help feeling that I had let the Lord down. I am also experiencing different losses in my life: future loss of pastor (Fr. Mark is leaving in June), loss of friendship, and another ministry loss. Jesus intervened into this intersection of spiritual need in a beautiful way. I was helping to facilitate a Blessed is She retreat at our parish and the last hour was spent in Adoration (Adoration is spending time in church with the Blessed Sacrament on display on the altar, in other words, spending time with Jesus in the flesh). We had moved a kneeler up within five feet of the sacrament for closer face to face prayer time and I had taken the opportunity early in the hour. I returned to my seat, closed my eyes, and asked Jesus, “What do you want me to do for Lent?” Remember what I said about servant mentality? In an instant of time, Jesus stunned me with the image He brought to mind. In that moment, He showed me my current season of losses and my wound of abandonment and I felt in that instant His profound love and His deep desire to simply sit with me in this moment and heal me. My ears picked up on the sound before my brain registered it and I was startled to discover I was sobbing. Some may be thinking sobbing is a negative, but not this day. On this day I wasn’t sobbing the inconsolable tears of hopelessness, mine was a cry of my heart held in the embrace of its Eternal Father and able to release it’s burden. This snapshot is more than a moment of consolation, it is a conversion of my heart beginning to understand the unwavering, unchanging love of God. I am not the sum of my “yes”, I am simply His. The Lord seeks your heart as well. Seek Him. Ask Him. Knock upon His heart. He will answer and give you more than you knew to ask.
I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
before the gods I sing your praise;
I bow down toward your holy temple
and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness;
for you have exalted your name and your word
above everything. On the day I called, you answered me,
you increased my strength of soul. (Psalm 138)
As an addendum of sorts. The Lord drew me across the lunch room to a woman I had never had a conversation with before. After I shared my story, she shared how appropriate it was that I picked her. Her Lenten resolution is to spend one hour a week in Adoration. God is good, Amen!
